Words don't come easy to me

I've always been shy.
I don't know why and how I became shy.
None of my parents are shy, maybe my dad were I don't know.
Maybe I have to work with it to. But when will I...
I think I became shy because everyone was always doing those things for me, I never had the chance to practice the anti-shy social skills.

Anyways... I like that word, if it even is a word.
But since I'm the only one supposed to read this (to one day remind me) I'll still use it how much I want to ;)
WHAT A REBEL! :O

Anyway less off-topic...

This anxciety seems more or less like my shyness.
I'm afraid to say the wrong words...

And I'm playing as I'm writing these so I guess i forgot half of what I should have written and even the song I listened to which had such a fitting quote.

Well more tomorrow... when I'm no longer a teenager... scary.

You're the voice try to understand it.

I don't usually go up this early but school is after all school and is good for me.
Anyways I use your voice to soothen and calm me these days, recorded miles away but the feeling reaches me here... and then passes by to the one it was meant for.

Anyway love your voice girl, one day I will tell you so you can't deny it.

Derivative of my happiness.

So another week of the only things that is true... math.

But it learnt me a new term, word or whatever.
From an almost veritcal coefficient to well... it used to be positive most of the time.
Well it was always steady heading upwards since I met, lay may eyes on her (still haven't even met, stupid boy).
Now I don't know what's happening, am I sad or am I happy do I feel sorrow or joy?
Feeelings, they're deep inside. I couldn't even feel any of those if I wanted to I guess.

But I do know I think about you alot baby, even though you want me not to :(

"Forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head..."

T minus 7

So in 7 deven says im reaching the big two-O.
It frightens me, I've accomplished nothing of what I thought I would have when I was younger.
I didn't know what then, I don't know now either though.

Anyways, 7 days is like forever these days so who knows?

It's easier to live alone than fear that life is over...

So much have happened or not I can't decide whatnot.

I've moved, sitting here looking over my little town.
This little shit town as some would say with 30,000 inhabitants I would say it's rather huge on paper but it feels like im stuck. I'm not ever gonna find my way out of here.

I've had some... one party... still I can not stop stop this feeling for the girl I thight I was over. I don't love her, I don't like her, just think that she's stunnigly beautiful... and rather drunk most of the times ;)

More then one week to my birthday... more about that tomorrow I guess.

"I see you walking hand in hand with long haired drummer of the band in love with her or so it seems. He's dancing with my beauty queen."

I'm not numb yet.... a song once again.

Still i can't help thinkign couldn't I've become numbed instead?

Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I don't take any steps at the moment, and it feels so waste.
But what can I say? This is no game to me I believe in what I feel.
Unfortunately, else new year would have ended different :p

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I'm failing this time again.
But there's so much I want to know....

Am I just fooling myself hat she'll stop the pain?

Patrick Swayzes monsterhit back in the days is climbing the charts once again and I can't help falling for it. It's insane how it hits me that the text could be me or maybe I just want it to...

I look in the mirror
And all I see
Is a young old man
With only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain?
Living without her
I'd go insane

Chorus:
Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind
The bold thing in the text is a funny thing.
Always felt like I maybe was an old young man when I was growing up and people often called me that.
I wonder if they wouldn't sya the opposite if they met and/or knew me today.

In another part of town....

In a week I'm not here I'll have a different view.
It's not only the view, it feels like a whole new life somehow.
I can get a chance to get back my father, but I'm afraid it's to late.

I'm getting a smaller room, it's a third of what I'm having now.
It feels kind of good somehow I loose my own shower thats gonna be worse though.
The bass is what scares me the most, will I be able to enjoy the music like I do now?

There's one more good thing about moving to... the shopping. I'll get some new cool stuff :)

Drive until you lose the road...

The funny thing on my way to school today was thinking back one year and thinking now.
I'm still truly, madly, deeply in love and not much is different except for one thing...

Now I go to school to forget, during the last years at my previous school I was never there afraid to meet her. Math is hard it helps me forget. It lets me think about numbers and other things that I really couldn't care less about compared to her really.

I'm scared of what I'm starting to become...

The last time I was in love wasn't long ago, or maybe it was time has come and passed so fast these last months so I don't know when I stopped feeling. But I remember how I acted, I created another MSN account just to avoid beeing spoken to or have to speak at all.

To hide.

I could even use the "Show as Offline" part if I had to write to anyone.
It took sometime before people realised I had another account except for the 2-3 people who had it to know. I used to say that I was playing so much I didn't have time. Guess they're still buying it though.

But anyways, it's happening again. This new girl has such a control over me, I feel like I have to say anything, or maybe even the right thing. It's such a pressure even though I know, something at all is better then nothing. But I don't know better, in which way?

Anyways logging in now, expcted all but something.

But I'm as blue as a boy can be...

Strange days, never feel wish someday I'll for you kneel.


21days until 20. 10 until the move.

I was away looking at a new couch today with my father I saw alot of nice things I would like in my room, but ne thing at a time... or many things I guess. Still haven't decided for a TV guess I won't have any when the move is :/

Gonna get my camera tomorrow I hope, that will be so great finally having something to document my view one last time.


I don't know what to see about the girl I'm stuck with having a crush on but she's crushing me over and over and I can't do anything. I feel like I have no chance I will never be IT but still I WANT TO.

6,470,818,671 give or take a few...

"At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, that war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world. 6 billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one "

This quote could be kind of romantic, at least I want it to be.
But I can't stop thinking, if there are over six billion people in the world what says you'll ever find the one your meant to be with. I must also think why her, why now, why ever?

And if I ever get her, will I still wonder why not him? Why isn't he perfect for her?

Why do I react like this...

"I'd send you all that I'm thinking of... baby

Said I promise to never fall in love with a stranger
You're all I'm thinking of."


She changed her display picture today.
Don't ask me why I noticed, why I do this it always happens. It was from this autumn were she met a guy that at least was tall. I should be happy she feels something, but I am not, I hate it... that I can't be happy.

Ice ice baby...

Out meeting my friends last night.
Funny thing is no one actually knew what I was doing these days, think they were chocked at some point :p
Anyways, they're the best of friends, of course they have their moments though.
I feel fortunate I have some, I wonder how a guy like me really could end up with people like them.

After a rather bizzare journey home in a cab we ended up going home from on of the local gas stations. And I must tell you, it was hell ice, everywhere. Never been happier about coming home in one piece.

-

The girl, anyhow if I should mention anything about her I guess I should tell you I did think about her. I don't know why really, but I really hate beeing the only single sometimes, I wish I could show her (you) to them as an answer to where my minds have been sometimes when they've just looked at me like "WTF are you doing?".

They know I'm addicted to love in all ways but fail in emotions, they know how it went the last time and I hope they wish me well this time...

My little bit of fun

So sometimes I'm reading this girls blog, I don't know why.
I couldn't care less about the content but she has a style of writing I admire and feel like I would like to know. But anyways... with that in mind o copied this from her blog and got my own answer.

Rules
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!


1. how are you feeling today?
Love don't let me go

2. will you get far in life?
Under the bridge

3. how do your friends see you?
Alone

4. will you get married?
Love doesn't have to hurt

5. what is your life's theme song?
I'll cover you

6. what is the story of your life?
Advertising space

7. what was high school like?
Warning sign

8. how can you get ahead in life?
Strong

9. what is tomorrow going to be like?
Finale B

10. what is the best thing about your friends?
True

11. what is in store for the next weekend?
October Love

12. what song best describes you?
Dom som försvann

13. how is your life going?
What a wonderful world - What The Fuck?

14. what song will play at your funeral?
Against all odds - Jag hade föredragit Angels men den var inte ens på playlist

15. how does the world see you?
Waiting for a star to fall

16. will you have a happy life?
Take me or leave me

17. what do your friends really think of you?
Better days

18. what song describes the person you're attracted to?
How do you do - La till "The girl that makes him sad" 10 gånger utan att lyckas :/

19. what message would you like to tell the next generation?
Ghetto Gospel

20. do you have a deep dark secret?
Don't leave me alone

21. do people secretly lust after you?
Stuck on you

22. how can you make yourself happy?
Sometimes you can't do it on my own

23. will you ever have children?
Mind yourself

24. what's some good advice for you?
Beautiful soula

25. how will you be remembered?
One more night - :(

26. what is your signature dance song?
You were my everything

Kommer väl en uppdaterad version när jag sitter på andra datorn och 10000 andra låtar.

Countdown one, two and three

#1 3 until my mother is of for sunny (or maybe it's rina season now?) Thailand
#2 13 days until I've move out of my castle.
#3 25 days until the big two-O

With one and two in my mind I showed the new appartment for my mother.
Maybe she liked it, it felt like it maybe it's easy when you aren't supposed to live there.
I wished I know what I felt, after all it was the third time I was there but feeling don't come easy
or maybe they do and I'm to afraid to really accept them... I don't know.

I, if anyone should be used to move, I've had my fair share of homes but noone has ever felt as secure as this one was...

But I am to old for this.

Almost 20 years old i thought this part of my live was over.
Obviously it wasn't...

It's usually a joke when you call it crush but it's what it is... always at least with me.
Over one and a half year of conversations with this girl and nothing even remotly close to a touch still I got a crush that crushes me.

The reasoons is why... the "is it"s are even more.


Is it her looks?
Could be...

Is it her way to be? (What should I really call it)
She's always the nice person...

"Can't have"-syndrom (I've always had this and I wonder who hasn't but mine is quite worse actually)
Might be this... I'm quite sure it was the last the time so I hope it isn't now.

Easier to love fro ma far?
I'm quite afraid of love, who can even love me? Even though I am what I am.
It's easier to say I love someone so that I don't have to show i t more than in words which according to some is not my best side and according to the ones that know me my best.

I will add more later...

Jag har sett mörket vandra från döden dal...

My third blog in less than one year.
This time there's a now approach the love is open but the blog is anonymous.

Topic says(I've seen the darkness wander from the valley of death) or something like that.